This is an account of hilarious author-incident that had happened to me earlier this year:

In an effort to speed up my writing, I had decided to purchase Dragon NaturallySpeaking to see if that would help. Well, I installed it, set up the profile, did the full voice recognition and all that, and finally opened up my writing program and then began.

What I STARTED with was innocuous: “Gappy liked the way the sun came through the crack of the window.”

Then I began saying, “What? No, that’s not what I said you piece of shit…” and so on.

Here’s what the damn thing fully recorded. Note that where it says “sperm base,” I was saying “Worm face.” Don’t judge me about saying “Worm face” or I’ll call you a worm face. And where you see “book” it’s most assuredly that other 4-letter word that starts with an “F.”

Anyway, here’s what showed up on the screen as I was dictating.

Gabby liked the way the son came will you smack my whole what no that’s not where I said you please not that, hold let that throw dollars on oh God what the book was the book was about what the book below ship below ship to the front below ship is that he abuses yet made your visa grab why did I buy you use sperm base? I you want to write undo I want you to write out what you write correctly you are burp and you that right your worst crack smoking junction smoking junction as well as that. No I say that what the fog now I say that I didn’t say that that’s burp sperm face. Stop underlining everything you booking please not that melody line quit if I get a job melody line there is a. And what the work…. why do you keep putt putt periods you horse assignment do for do for you is the microphone piece because I’m using the list right this knowledge sperm my fuses you credit is knowledge sperm for my fuses you credit did it again but screw it I quote excellent point.

My wife had come in the room halfway through this because she heard me yelling at it. She was quite-literally on the floor laughing.

I’ll likely try it again after some rework of my settings, but if this is any indication of the results I’m going to get out of this thing, I’m either sending it back or starting an entirely new genre of writing.

It should be noted that I was finally able to get the sofware to work decently, but I also learned that I was unable to think without a keyboard. Also, it didn’t work right with Scrivener and that’s a must for this writer! Thus, I returned it anyway.

Yet another update: I got it working with Scrivener so I do employ it now and again, and with decent success. Still I find that typing instead of talking is a better medium for me so far. 😉

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